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It’s not uncommon for me to request of a partner that he or she, “Look your partner in the eyes and tell him or her,” something important they just said while looking at me. I can predict that much of the time, I will get a protest of, “I’m pretty sure they just heard me,” to which I will say, “Right, but it’s so different if you say it to them—can you just try it, right now, look him or her in the eye and say what you just said to me?”

That might sound somewhat awkward, and I try to reduce the awkwardness as much as I can with space, but awkward or not, it doesn’t seem that difficult, does it—to just make eye contact with a partner and tell them something perhaps a tiny bit vulnerable that they shared with me, with eye contact?

More often than not, couples really struggle to make eye contact at all, much less maintain it for more than a few seconds. Even when couples turn toward each other to initiate an interaction, they generally will look anywhere except in a partner’s eyes. If I ask them to look in their partner’s eyes, they will quickly glance at their eyes and glance away. Another thing that happens is that they might take the risk to look a partner in the eye, but the partner is looking somewhere else as well, so the couple is literally taking turns NOT looking at each other. It’s really quite interesting to watch because it is such a common display for how vulnerable it can feel to make mutual eye contact and more so to sustain mutual eye contact. From the outside, when I see it happening, I usually feel a little bit sad because I know it’s likely the symptom of emotional distress. My informal assessment is that the more emotionally unsafe the relationship feels, the more partners struggle to make and maintain eye contact.

Eye gazing is a common connecting behavior in pair bonding, and is associated with the release of oxytocin. Courting couples engage in eye gazing more than couples who are not romantically involved. Some studies have suggested that the higher the relationship quality, the more couples engage in eye gazing. Presumably most of the couples who come to see me are enduring at least mild distress, so it makes sense that eye contact is difficult. Many couples report that they can’t remember the last time they made eye contact with their partners. It’s a common symptom of disconnection.

When couples have fallen into a pattern of avoiding the type of closeness and intimacy associated with eye contact, it becomes harder and harder to feel comfortable with that level of closeness again. I have adapted three exercises below for couples to practice variations of eye contact. The first two have other tasks included to reduce the raw vulnerability of simple eye gazing with no goal. For couples who want to try to practice emotional presence, this is a place to start. The exercises will be most effective in relationship in which safety is a foundation or in which both couples are actively working toward building safety for each other.

In each exercise, don’t worry about blinking. Blinking is normal and expected.

Exercise #1 (Eye gazing with breathing synchronization)

Exercise #2 (Eye gazing with emotional communication)

This exercise will require one person to be the emotional “communicator” and one to be the “receiver,” and then you will switch roles.

Exercise #3 (Simple eye gazing)